DR MAX PEMBERTON: I've seen the real impact infidelity has on children, and it breaks my heart

Release time：2024-05-21 09:30:29 Source：Culture Capsule news portal

Annie Kilner has just had a baby with her husband, Manchester City's Kyle Walker. They have three other children Roman, 11, Riaan, seven, and Reign, five. But thanks to Kyle's behaviour, there's a chance it might not be quite the happy family you might imagine.

Annie discovered in December — while she was pregnant — that Kyle had fathered a second child with Instagram influencer Lauryn Goodman. Kyle has been living in a rented house away from the family home since January, although he and Annie have continued to co-parent.

So, with the new arrival (another boy) a total of six children are now caught up in this.

While I have great sympathy for Annie, who sounds like she's dealing with the situation admirably and trying her best to keep things together for her children, I have limited patience with love-cheats.

At risk of sounding old-fashioned in this self-centred era of the 'me generation', there are situations when people should put their own carnal desires and apparent emotional needs to one side in favour of ensuring their children have emotional stability at home. I really hope Annie and Kyle work things out and move forward for their children.

Footballer Kyle Walker and his wife Annie Kilner recently welcomed their fourth child together. But Kyle fathered another child last year with Lauryn Goodman, his on-and-off girlfriend

Instagram influencer Lauryn Goodman on a day out with her baby daughter 

Research shows any instability a child experiences in an unsettled home, whether as a result of infidelity or otherwise, triples their risk of developing emotional problems. It is not so much breaking the marriage vows I take issue with — this is on people's own conscience — but the gamble parents take with their children's well-being. Do what you want, have sex with whoever you choose. If you choose to cheat, that's your choice and when things come crumbling down, you have to deal with it. But when children are involved, I'm far less liberal minded.

There's no easy way to sugar this pill: any infidelity places your own libido above what's best for your children. Over the past 20 years covering mental health in A&E and working in child psychiatry, I've seen many children and teenagers with emotional and behavioural problems, with unexplained physical illnesses, eating disorders and self-harm injuries that are manifestations of emotional distress. These children take the brunt of the emotional fallout from affairs, failed marriages, messy divorces and warring parents.

Those are the very worst cases and not every child who experiences parental break-up will necessarily be hurt in this way. But speak to any teacher and they will tell you of the low-level, insidious damage often done by warring parents that never makes it to the doctor's waiting room.

READ MORE: DR MAX PEMBERTON: Why Joe Wicks is WRONG about diet and the real reason children are getting ADHD

As a psychiatrist, I'm sick of hearing parents tell me: 'I'd do anything for my children' after they've had an affair and caused their marriage to break down down. Yes, 'anything' except keep your underwear on, which was actually one of the things your children needed you to do.

It makes my blood boil that couples who care so much for their children that they buy them the latest gadgets and trainers, feed them only the best organic vegetables and send them for extra tuition, fail to understand none of this matters a jot if home life is not stable.

Research has repeatedly shown the one thing a child needs to thrive is stability. It doesn't matter what the make-up of the family is or their material possessions, children have an amazing capacity to cope with all sorts of things provided the adults in their lives remain constant and consistent.

It's that easy, yet often people seem to find it so hard to grasp.

So enshrined into society is the belief that everyone has the right to do whatever they want in pursuit of their own happiness, that nobody dares to tell parents to get a grip of themselves and stop being so selfish; to think before they leap into bed with someone else. But to all those considering infidelity out there: accept it — having an affair is reckless, selfish and cruel.

You're playing Russian roulette with your children's well-being.

Maybe you'll get away with it. Maybe you won't get caught.

If you do, maybe you'll be forgiven and it will all be forgotten.

And even if it does end messily, maybe your children will somehow come through it unscathed.

Maybe. But surely that's a ludicrous gamble? Is a bit of extramarital sex really that important?

Don't drug dementia patients!

Giving dementia patients powerful anti-psychotic medications may be more dangerous than previously thought, according to a major study. Taking the drugs for three months increased the risk of heart attack or heart failure by more than a quarter and doubled the pneumonia risk.

This medication helps manage more disruptive symptoms of the condition. But often it is used to ease the effort — and cost — of caring for patients. Old-age psychiatry beds, specialist nurses and well-trained carers are expensive. Doctors don't prescribe anti-psychotic medication because they want to; they do it because they have to. The alternative is too costly, so not readily available.

Yes, it's dreadful but what do they do if there aren't properly trained staff to sit with a disturbed, angry or scared patient?

Celebrity chef Gregg Wallace laid into our unhealthy lifestyles last week: 'Sitting on sofas, eating really unhealthy snacks seems to be almost an addiction, a British pastime that's got to be addressed.' 

I agree. How many of us sit in front of the telly at the end of the day and reach for the biscuits? This is why I'm a fan of mindful eating. It lets us think about what we eat. 

When I worked at an eating disorder service we suggested it to patients with overeating problems. Many said after they consciously thought about what they put in their mouths and took time to enjoy it, they didn't need to keep eating. A useful antidote to mindless munching.

Cash is dying out. Electronic payments are everywhere. But research suggests cash can help you budget as paying with it causes 20 per cent more 'psychological pain'. It's easier to keep track of money in your wallet than via your bank app. 

Dr Max prescribes... Couch to 5k

If you were inspired by the London Marathon this weekend but aren't sure where to begin, try the NHS Couch To 5k app. People often make the mistake of overdoing it when they first start running, risking injury. But this programme is designed for the novice runner helping you build up to 5k over nine weeks. Why not give it a go?

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